I miss your smile, I miss your face.

It's sad how you can miss someone, even though you haven't seen them for a few hours.
It really is sad.
And it's selfish.

And I should start my essay.

Goodbye.

I'm headed for the big E city this upcoming weekend. (Edmonton, if you must know.)
Me and my dad are just gonna visit with my uncle and aunt and their kids. Check out the mall. Maybe find a grad dress? And finish some Christmas shopping. And my history essay must get scheduled in there sometime as well. Very important indeed. I can't wait until this week is over and done with. I really just need to get away for a little bit.
But at the same time..

I don't want to.

-- i'll miss everyone too much.
it's the first time i've been out of pa overnight since I returned from europe, back in april. i'm going to miss everyone. a lot.

You know what I hate?
When you tell someone, in all seriousness implied, that something bothers you very much, yet they continue to do it? It really bothers me so much.
And when you tell someone that you're coming to see them for the fact of being with THEM, yet they just walk away?
Seriously.

I also hate that I forgot my earbuds for my three spares this morning. FML.

I also hate that I have not even started my storybook assignment, OR my history essay due a week from today.

It sounds like my life sucks ass. It really does.
But it doesn't. Not always.

You know what I love?
Coming to school and gossiping about the latest haps from the weekend.
Making smoothies at 2 AM and spending time with you until the light comes out.
Feeling like I'm important.
Knowing that assignments are done. (Doesn't happen too often.)
Jumping into a warm truck after walking in the cold weather.
After being awake for twenty minutes, jumping back into bed and falling asleep instantly.
Relating lyrics to my own life.
The idea of the future.
Box shifts.
Carlisle.
Dairy Queen runs with my friends.
Wasting time away, doing things like this post.

This was the most random thing of my life.
Goodbye?

Noone can save me like you do.

It's funny how you can have the best day. Good marks. Good food. Good friends. Good music. No drama. Everything basically perfect. Until one person says one thing and shuts all of the lights off.
It literally brings a person down so hard. Everything good just disappears into shadows and the spotlight shines on the negative. When it rains, it pours. I know I have the people I need. I know i'm not alone. I know that I can feel like the only person the planet sometimes, but I also know that I have friends there for me. Real friends.

But it still hurts, like a dagger to my heart. It stings.

I need shelter out of the rain.
Give me that shelter.

I see the silver lining on your cloud.

And keep it.

It's been quite a quite a while. Yes, two quites. That is a very quite while.
I got who I wanted. I survived Europe. I lost who I didn't want to lose. I kept who I trust. And I started the biggest journey of my life:

Senior Year.

It's tough. Let me tell you. All the responsibilities being thrown my way these days. All the thoughts. All the problems needing to be dealt with. All in my hands. My tiny sanitizer-purified hands.

Seriously though. I gotta get my deal together. Right about.. now.
The battle plan?
Go to school. Work in school. No matter how hard the battle is. Get home and do my work again. And finish it. Go to actual work. And work very hard. Go home. And sleep. Maybe relax a tad.

And then start it all again.

Anyways, thats the plan for the next couple of weeks.
Luck? Who needs it. According to all I've accomplished since my last post, I got all I need.

The Hardest Part

Once you get going in the race, it`s easy to pick up pace
It all comes naturally to you
And nothing seems to faze you
No bumps stop your path
No obstacles obscure your destination
The end seems like such a far ways away
That sometimes you think it will never come
Sometimes it won`t.

It`s the start off that trips people.
The change from slow to fast
The intensity that increases as each new step is given
Adjusting yourself to the new speed
The thought of unknown territory that awaits

But once you get started..
I dont think you`ll be able to stop.

Music to my ears

Apart from it all
I see things, feel things, hear things
My impression of you quivers
And that fear creeps up my neck again
I`m not scared of you
I`m scared of losing you
And that frightens me more than anything.

When i`m with you, near you, hear you
it all seems okay
You make it okay.
It`s hard to know who to trust
But once youve opened your heart to someone

It can make things even more puzzled.

Maybe, just maybe
that`s the risk I need to take.

The slate is clean

I dont see no dirt
No holes, no grime.
Its pretty, its neat
Its future looks divine.
I see the texture
The details hidden
It`s all clear now
What must be given.

Even though

Even though I'm sick
Even though I cry
Even though I ache
Even though I lie
Even though I pretend
Even though I'm scared
You see me, just me, truly me
You know me, and you care.

Falling..

Hard.

Tripped out the gate.

I never thought my life, as simple as it has always been,
could ever become as complicated (at least through my eyes) as it currently is.

You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true.
I really do.
But it seems like
I'm so into you?

Everything seems to hurt. It all seems to worry.
Though about 99% of me feels like theres no hope at all
Concidering my life doesn't consist of much need for hope.
That small 1% is still stuck in the back of my mind.
Wondering if a time of day will ever arrive.
For it to be released.
For it to run wild.

Alison Wonderland.. perhaps?

And there's a part of me that knows i'm everything you need
But i'm afraid to let you in
Afraid of what you'll see

And now i'm falling even harder for the boy i really know :)

Oh, Mirror in the sky.. What is love?

My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

How is it possible to distinguish from a friendship and something more?
Is there a code name that's said?
Are there signs that I'm missing?
Or maybe it's just all in my head.
Maybe its just the thought of it, that makes me crave it.

Or maybe it's something more.

Leave me be.

I. Don't. Understand.

Two people, 21 years, 10000 questions of how they are completely opposite.

One wants me to dream. They believe in me, believe in my hopes and dreams, and have hope that i'll one day, maybe even soon, be able to accomplish those on my own. They give me confidence and credibility for my strengths. They give me hope.

The other wants me to live life as they lived. Inspirationless, dreamless, hopeless. They have no idea of what I'm saying because they've never had ambitions like I have.

This makes no sense.
My head hurts from this absolute nonsense.

But you know what?

My life. Is NOT hopeless.
And dreams will come true.

Royalty doesn't compare to this

It's difficult to say that my family doesn't annoy me half the time.
I automatically think "Oh God, Give me some peace!" when someone's about to open their mouth.
Though I know they are exactly like me, so I shouldn't talk.
But I do talk. And I guess that's just who I am.

But I really should acknowledge them more.
They do so much for me, keep me together.
Like a superhero.
Saving the world, one helping task at a time.

If it werent for family, there'd be no way I'd get to actually reach my dreams.
Travelling, in particular, would be out of the question.
Not for my crazy Parenteau clan.
They believe that acting in the moment is the best way to live life.
The only option.
The fact that I'm actually the second Parenteau girl to travel to Europe is kind of outstanding.
The fact that I have so much more freedom in this world than my other sibling is crazy.
The fact that I'll be travelling with my closest cousin to DisneyWorld this summer is unbelieavable.

Unbelievable, yet realistic.

Beauty is blind, until you live with that beauty.

The Brighter Side

Selfish losers can take the world for granted sometimes.
They can concider everything in their life to be a dead end
And are blind to when others only pray to meet another day.
To see the sun rise
To find a reason to be happy.

I've seen the brighter side. I've just never taken the time to acknowledge it to its fullest.
I thank that side for the motivation of things.
The ambition that makes me want to run faster and faster
No matter how far away that dream looks
It seems to get a few inches closer every day.
Though miles apart and years, maybe decades away
One day, just maybe
I'll be able to touch it.
I'll greet it with a hand shake
And prepare for the next chapter that I face.

Who knows when that will happen.
Sooner always seems better. But learning takes time.
So maybe sooner would be the worst.

That bright sunny opening that we always look towards
That we always catch a glimpse of before we set onto our journey
Maybe we better take a better look at it before we start moving..

See.
Sooner can be the worst.

Brighter side, see you soon.

Leave out all the rest

Sometimes, I simply hate who I am
Not just who I have made myself to be,
but how I havent had much of the choice the way I am.
It's almost unfair, in my sense.
Everyone around me has what they want
All they ever dreamed up
All that teenage life is stereotipically seen.

Everyone, except me.

Unfortunately, I'm kinda confused about whether it's my own self that's choosing how I live,
Or if fate simply doesn't like me.
I try so hard.
I think I'm getting so close
But then..
I'm wrong.

and Everyone around me is happier and has what I want the most.
The temptation is eating me away.

P. S.

I hate kids.

Go on, save your soul.

I wish people could be people.
Not the way they think people should be.
The way they are supposed to be.
They way they were created.

Time usually helps
Teaches us to grow
But these days, it's hard
My head hurts from worrying about problems
That dont even belong to me.

Its time for some to realise
That life isn't all nutella banana sandwiches.
No matter how amazing
No matter how much the attraction
There's always something there to fear.

And fear ends up screwing us up.

Need = More

time ticks by
patience takes
its tole
its place

'want' is not
good enough
like it was
last month

people pass
say hello
lose their track
where to go?

they dont get
what i feel
where im going
feels endless, feels unreal..
feels unreal.

this want, this need, this cry i cry
takes me up and then waves goodbye
i feel you, see you, words i said
escape from hell, fly overhead

times like these, that can be done
will follow me, will keep me stung
this need will never end you see,
until that one need finally sees me.

<3SAP